To repair or replace.
Until recently I have never been able give attention to the damage that was done to the doors in my Home.
Hundreds of times in a day I would pass thru and see the damage, you couldn’t not. It was confronting. Occasionally it would cross my mind to have them replaced, but it never felt right to simply replace them. I never understood why.
And so there the doors have hung for many years. Reminding me every day of what has passed thru my life.
Until a few weeks ago I found myself asking a gentle soul of a man to organise replacements.
I don’t really recall the initial conversation, I was shocked that I had actually engaged in conversation about the doors….. for it meant I had to explain what happened when asked. I’m pretty sure I didn’t give an answer that made sense.
The gentle soul of a man could hear it was uncomfortable for me and diverted the conversation to what he could do about the doors.
He all but dismissed my request to replace them…..
“What for ?” he scoffed!
“They can absolutely be repaired” he went on to say.
“It will take longer, they will look as good as new by the time I’m finished with them” he said
Are you sure? I questioned.
And so the decision was made…..the doors would be repaired not replaced.
In the time between that conversation and repairs starting it dawned on me that the act of repairing the doors was in fact the end of one of many healing journeys around what had come to pass in my marriage.
I was about to spend the next few weeks watching someone give careful and patient attention to returning the doors to better than original condition.
It dawned on me…. I was the gentle soul that had spent years giving careful and patient attention to myself, as I gently repaired myself to better than original condition.
There was nothing left – the doors had been taken away, gone. All that remained was a door frame or two. I had nothing tangible to ignore anymore. Confronted! Yah think? Absolutely!
There was nothing left for me to do but surrender to the pain. To own the fear, hurt, devastation and grief. It was time to fully acknowledge what happened, to embrace the darkness with as much love as I could give it.
No longer does it have a hold of me. I let it go, to be free.
It has become part of a tapestry. The tapestry of my life. A part of my life that can never be replaced.
The repairs have taken longer, they look as good as new. Better than the original.
The doors could never be replaced, just as you and what happens to you can never be replaced.
The doors were only ever meant to be repaired to better than new…. with time, guidance and careful attention you can be repaired to better than new.